Tuesday, July 1, 2008


My mother does not understand why I'm upset. Normally, we get on very well. She's definitely one of my best friends. But this escapes her.

I just found out my AP scores. They're not bad, 5 on Macro and BC, 4 on Lang, but it's not what I was expecting. I had prepared myself to get a 5 on Lang. My AP Lang teacher is an amazing teacher, but definitely difficult. I improved from getting 5s and 6s on my essays to only getting 8s and 9s. I was getting 5s on the practice multiple choice tests we did. This is why I don't know why I got a 4. I think part of it was the prompts. My G-d, were they ever stupid. I mean, for me at least, it's definitely easier to write more/a better essay on an interesting, thought-provoking prompt. The ones they gave us were like SAT prompts. Stupid, and just asking for everyone to write the same thing. The synthesis was on whether or not we should get rid of the penny as a form of donomination. I mean really, 2 sides, very few reasons, trivial. Another, the argument, was on advertising in school, the classic Coke paying for books. Another stupid, though perhaps slightly more important. But still, you can't write a really well rounded, college level essay on a prompt a 4th grader might get. I mean, you could, and I did my best, but they were just stupid. My LA teacher basically put it, if you get an A in her class, which is hard to get, you will get a 5. I worked my ass off in that class to learn how to write, and I think I learned well. I just wasn't planning on having to take the FEE. To have to go through another sit, wait, anticipate. It wasn't part of my summer plan.

And so my mother is on my back to do all this stuff minutes after I get the results. She doesn't get why it's a big deal, and why I need to process it. Now I need to take this test, which in it's self isn't that huge of a deal, but it could mess with my plans for classes and stuff next year. I'm the type of person who likes to make lists, make plans, and have things to follow. I've made many variations of possible schedules for next year, and I picked the one I liked best. This may mess it up. I don't want to take another writing class. That's why I switched into AP Lang with this teacher, which she didn't want me to, and then worked to get her to realize why I switch and to show her what I could do. I don't want to take a CI-HW, basically.

And so with these scores, I would have 39 units of AP credit, which isn't a whole bunch, but it is almost a semester. Now she wants me to graduate early, save $25,000 and she's pushing me into a corner. I haven't even started to think that far ahead, and I don't know how to respond to that. I don't know what to tell her, and she keeps talking about it. I haven't even started yet, I don't want to feel pressured into doing something 4 years down the line. I know it's a lot of money, I know I haven't gotten a lot of the scholarships I applied for (I feel like each time they tell me I was part of the smaller group, but didn't get the scholarship that they're saying, yes, you're good, and smart, but just not good or smart enough. Good luck.) I just sick of thinking about this already. I want to go to school but not have to think about paying for it. I love for it to start tomorrow. Get rid of the summer. I have never really liked summer. I'm not so good at the unstructured thing. I love my friends, but my good friends I really like to hang out with on a one-on-one basis aren't too big in numbers, and they are away a lot. I like my boss, but the girl who schedules us hates me. I always have the least number of hours, and usually my boss is around to call me to give me the extra hours, but he's on vacation this week.

I just want to go, and not have to think about anything else. I never want to work in a retail/ menial job position again; at least I'm motivated to get internships now. I just want to live, not have to think about living.

*If you couldn't already tell, this was a vent post. I have a lot to say today.


Jeremy said...

Sorry to hear all this. Having to think about money sucks. If it makes you feel any less alone, I have no plan on how to pay for MIT after my first year. We got screwed on financial aid because my Dad has been working in Singapore fore the past two years, and the overseas/singapore tax process lost us some aid. I have an older brother in college and another one coming in two years. That's 8 straight years of college payments for our family, 4 of them double payments. On top of this, my parents are getting divorced.

I'm just hoping I'll figure something out.

And yes, I do enjoy blogstalking.

Jeremy said...

We'll get through it.

theJessiah said...

If you don't feel like taking the FEE, don't sweat it. You can take a pretty easy writing class instead, which can be a nice change of pace in getting adjusted to the rest of your math/science classes freshman year. Don't worry about what your mom says - you'll be far away from her before you know it :)